Bad Things Come In Twos

The Terrible Twos

Originally published 15 October 2015

No, this isn't a story about a bad trip to the toilet (that would be the terrible number twos), but rather about that stage of life known to parents everywhere as the terrible twos. These last few months I've been working on a few behavioural modifications of my own in honour of this magical time.

Throwing things - The terrible twos are a great time to really work on your arm muscles and throwing skills. The bigger and heavier the object, and the furthest they're thrown, the better. Hurling toys across the lounge is a good one, as is heaving bits of food from the high chair during dinner. You may not reach the television, or Mummy and Daddy, first time, but practice will make perfect.

Being contrary - It's like when you check the calendar and find that today is opposite day, where everything said is the opposite of what you mean or want. Except that it isn't just one day - it's every day. One of my favourites is waiting until Daddy is sitting down to read me a bedtime story, then asking for Mummy to do it; when he doesn't move I then start to pull his sleeve to drag him out of the chair. This one is always good for a colourful response from them.

Selective deafness - This has a thousand uses, but is best employed when you need to ignore your name being called. Mummy calling me to get in the car to go to daycare when I want to run across the garden instead? No problem - can't hear a thing. Daddy calling me to come and get dressed after a bath when I want to play with my cars? Daddy may as well be on mute. Mummy yelling for me to come and get my teeth cleaned to go out when I want to chase one of the cats? Oh sorry, was that me you were calling?

Being negative - An oldie but a goodie, this is all about being as negative as possible. At its simplest it can be answering "no" to most questions (with extra kudos for saying "no" to something you actually want to do, yet still managing to persuade Mummy and Daddy to let you do it), but also to things like saying food is universally "yucky". With a bit of practice it's easy to become as negative as an undeveloped roll of film.

With the end of 2015 approaching and the terrible twos nearly halfway through, Mummy and Daddy probably think they can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately for them, other parents have warned that there are often closely-followed sequels, known as the terrible threes and the (insert f-word expletive) fours. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is an approaching freight train after all...