Call of the Wild

Crying Guide - How to Know How Bad it Really Is

Originally published 28 August 2014

Even though I'm a pretty cheerful boy most of the time, there are occasions when things don't go my way when everyone in earshot needs to know that I'm dissatisfied. It might be that I've toppled over when trying to take a few steps, or don't want to go to bed right at this moment, or my gums are sore with another tooth coming through.

Regardless of the cause, the result will be the same - a good, loud wail right from the pit of the stomach. Loud enough that neighbours might think a practicing guitarist got some tortured feedback through his amp. Or people in the next suburb over might think it a tsunami warning.

But I do make it a bit easier on Mummy and Daddy by signposting just how bad the cause was, and therefore how much attention I'm going to need before I revert to cheerful again. It's not the loudness of the wailing or the volume of tears produced with it - it's the length of time between each wail.

The way I like to show my displeasure is: wail - pause to intake breath - wail. Then repeat as required. The length of that pause in the middle shows how bad things really are. If it's a short pause, then not too much has gone wrong and I'll probably be mollified relatively easily. But as the seconds of that pause pass, the more breath is being intaken and the more vehement the next wail will be.

It's a little like counting the seconds between seeing lightning and hearing thunder.

Count 1 or 2 seconds between wails - not too bad. Count 3 or 4 seconds between wails - going to require more comforting to settle me down. Count 5 seconds or more - it'll be like Ollie Armageddon.